Since my last couple of posts have been serious and quite heavy, I thought I would lighten things up on this Thorsday by sharing some of the worst best messages I’ve received on OKCupid.

(Yeah, I signed up for OKCupid a few weeks ago. So far I’ve had one coffee date and a few message exchanges, all of which went nowhere. I tell you, boys may complain that girls want jerks and douchebags and won’t date a “nice guy,” but I’ve learned recently that “nice guys” also don’t want sarcastic girls who make jokes about dead hookers. Still, I think I’ll leave my profile up for a while, because occasionally I get messaged some delightful examples of cyber-brilliance.)

1. One guy, whose username consists of the word “rebound” followed by a number, had in his profile, “I have never cheated on a girl nor hit a girl my dad raised me right. I can’t even bring myself to hit a girl when wrestling around.”

…What? First of all, if that means you’re not into BDSM, that’s fine. As for the first sentence—WHY DOES THIS NEED TO BE SAID?? When I told Joy about this, her response was, “I expect I will also be encouraged to applaud if you keep out of bankruptcy and observe regular dental hygiene.”

And this same guy wrote in his profile, “I still don’t know how to cook much I’m a directions type of guy”

You don’t know how to cook much … because you need directions?


2. This message:

good morning South Africa.. jk good morning and good day.. my name is James and I would love to get to know your energy.. I’m really different than most guys.. but look at my profile and get back to me.. I’ll be waiting hopefully not to long… :-)

Sorry, mister, I don’t let anyone see my energy until the third date. And you don’t get to call me by a country name until after the wedding.

3. Then there was the 37-year-old (out of my specified age range), who initiated contact with this message:

Jeremy here…hit me up…614…632…[last four digits of his phone number]

4. Then there was the guy who had mentions of God and Jesus and the Bible all over his profile. But he also said that he was fluent in sarcasm. So I messaged him thusly:

Me: I can see from your profile that you’re Buddhist. That’s awesome. It’s such a peaceful philosophy for life.

Him: Uhh… lol. Did my profile get hacked or something? Definitely not Buddhist, nor do I think there is really any meaningful peace outside of Jesus.

Me: It’s just that you mentioned sarcasm several times on your profile, so I thought I’d test that out.

Him: lol. wow, I failed my own test. haha. That’s epic. In my defense, I did say I take the God thing pretty for real. Like you had me checking my profile to see if one of my friends thought they’d be hilarious.

Me: I may have been a little mean there, but I couldn’t resist!

And I couldn’t get him to respond after that. *headdesk* That one is probably on me.

5. This message:

So I swear that I never do things like this but I just have to say that the first message are completely nerve wrecking… You have to not only try and hide your enthusiasm to speak to someone who you are completely interested in but try and be unique enough to stand out apart from the rest… All the meanwhile waiting a response and hope they find your profile to be as promising as there’s… I mean seriously all the pressure when really you want just want to say… I find you to be completely attractive, interesting and someone who I would not want to miss out the chance of knowing… Anyway, You are here for a reason and who knows this very conversation could be that reason… Getting goosebumps yet ? Haha, my name is [redacted] and hopefully you can help take all the anxiety of this promise and talk the morning away for a little while. I’d like that very much.

Oh, I’m getting goosebumps…but probably not for the right reasons.

And since it IS Thorsday

2 thoughts on “NopeKCupid

  1. I spent the entire morning reading German and that last message was way more difficult to get through. Thanks for the laughs, friend. <3

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