The Matter of Children: Seeking Input From My Fellow INTJs

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44 thoughts on “The Matter of Children: Seeking Input From My Fellow INTJs

  1. You’re not horrible — you just have your own preferences and there’s nothing wrong with that, despite what people may say.

    I haven’t taken Myers-Briggs but now you’ve got me curious. Maybe I’ll take it in future.

    1. Thanks for the reassurance!

      I’d highly recommend the Myers-Briggs test, but beware: It sucks you into a black hole of addicting research!

  2. I feel like I could have written this. As a fellow INTJ, I agree with everything you said.

    1. Excellent, thanks so much. Glad someone can relate!

  3. So, I am an INFJ (and yes, Myers Briggs does suck you in) and have four children. It wasn’t easy. I must say the chaos, noise and unpredictability of the early years made me question my abilities to nurture and raise them. As well as the almost total lack of refresh and recharge time. But there is a strength of feeling involved and the willingness to lay down your life for them that is not normal.
    Having said all that. I raised three introverts who all think the best family events are at home and involve books, electronics and food. And when you’ve had enough it’s ok to go home (with a care package if it’s before the food is served).

  4. I never cared for kids, never planned on having children. I grew up with 7 siblings and would have preferred a horse or animals – of any type.
    Having said all that, INTJ’s are children and there is great value to having a parent or close adult who recognizes an INTJ child – and there are struggles unique to that child. I saw them with my son and others. Advocating for them to have the freedom to develop and express their talents at their own pace, challenging and encouraging them when they are ready, is something that parental INTJ units can do.
    A good educator will not necessarily need to be INTJ, but if the classes are large, the kids can and will get lost. More attention is given now to the needs of the introvert, but imo, our kids still need a strong advocate – and who better to understand, than if you have your own INTJ.
    On the other hand, you may get an EXXX … like my other one.
    But I love them both. And as far as other people’s kids, I have a dry sense of humor and that extends to kids. The ones that get it, I like. The ones that don’t like it, don’t hang around. :) Plus, I have rules that have to be followed. Yep, I’m one of “those” parents. No pop, no candy, no junk food. So, just the well behaved, healthy kids w/ a good sense of humor come back. Problem solved.

    1. I am an ENTJ and also hate kids. Occasionally they do something cute, but in my head that doesn’t make up for all the annoying crap they make you put up with. It sucks for you cause you are a girl, so everyone judges you; guys can get away with it more easily.

      Truth is, a lot of things are annoying as hell, but we find ourselves growing accustomed to these annoying things more easily than anticipated. If you look back on your life, I am sure there are many things you appreciate about your life for having suffered through. Although freedom from suffering is nice, sometimes we suffer in the short term to gain long term benefits. Kids are kinda like that, they are a pain in the ass but if you get through it and they don’t turn out to be shit heads, the experience redeems itself on the other end…by that I mean you get someone who thinks like you, has similar values, and then passes it on to the next generation. When were old and about to die it will have seemed worth it.

      My wife wants kids and lucky for me she will do most of the work when they are little…which is when they are most annoying. Right now I am learning all I can about personality typing, parenting, and all that good stuff just so I can increase the odds that my kid won’t be a loser. I’m setting the bar low so I won’t be disappointed if he/she turns out to be retarded, literally and figuratively. We plan on having one kid…but I never wanted a dog or a cat and fate dropped those little twerps into our laps as well, and honestly, I love those stinky creatures with all my heart; so who knows, maybe two? Probably not.

      I have an idea for you, maybe you should find a guy that’s a softee and make him do all the work when they are young, then when the kid gets older you can teach them how to be a contributor to society. Stranger things have happened.

      Anyway, good luck!

      1. Love this comment. I did think about looking for a guy who is more warm and soft-hearted than I am (though I don’t know what a guy like that would want with sarcastic, perfectionistic me!), and I definitely wouldn’t be with anyone who I couldn’t see as an invested father. So hey, maybe that will work out. Good luck to you and your wife! Think of a kid as another pet, I guess. ;-)

  5. My son, also an INTJ, presented some unique challenges, but I honestly found each stage of his delightful. (It was his extroverted father that was vexing.) For years before I was married, I dreamed I would go into a nursery to get my baby and it would be this tiny, several month old infant that would say very insightful, wise things to me. Once I realized he understood me, asking him to let me sleep all night – unless he was sick – then I wouldn’t mind getting up to help him… actually was when I knew This was the Wise Baby from my dreams. (Or, old man… he was born old. Some are :)

  6. Melissa Finkbeiner October 12, 2013 — 12:02 am

    I don’t know if I’m an INTJ or not as I have not taken the Myers-Briggs (and don’t care to at this time) but I do classify myself as an introvert for sure. And, I don’t like kids. Never have. I babysat when I was a young teenager, because at the time there was no other way for me to make money (that I knew of), but I hated every minute of it. I do feel my dislike of children is related to my personality and by extension the fact that I’m an introvert. I find talking to kids very awkward. I never know what to say to them and never know how they’re going to react. I’ve always felt awkward around kids and at times felt there was something “wrong” with me because I wasn’t good with kids. (Of course, the general feeling like there’s something “wrong” with me comes with the Introversion, in my experience.) That being said, I always knew I’d like my own kid, and I do. I think he’s the coolest kid I’ve ever met. So, there’s my two cents, if you care!

    1. Thanks so so much, Melissa! I really appreciate your comment—it gives me hope. I think if I do decide to have a kid or 2, my situation would be much like yours—would like my own, but not be a fan of others. I do find it awkward to talk to kids, and I never did babysit. Also, I get you 100% in the “feeling wrong” thing, both in being an introvert and in disliking kids. So thank you!

  7. I am an INTJ with a 23 year old daughter (only child) I have never cared to be around children, would rather eat a dead rat than babysit but don’t dislike children in general. I have very firm beliefs on how children should be raised and one is to show them a lot of affection and structure to make them feel secure. I think I always speak to children with the mindset that any harsh words I say could scar them for life. With that said, I don’t appreciate children without guidelines that yell and scream and run around in public. But with me the fault lies with poor parenting.

    I think you will find that if you choose to have children you will love yours, and feel a special bond with them just as I have with mine. INTJs actually make good parents from what I have read about the breed :) and with my own experience. I chose to have only one on purpose, as I knew I didn’t have the emotional energy to handle a larger brood. The plus side is only children tend to have a closer relationship to their parents and that has been the case with mine.

  8. I’m an INTJ with two boys, one of whom may very well be an INTJ himself.

    I never planned to have children, and like you and Melissa, I’ve never felt comfortable around children. I delegate the handling of all birthday parties to my husband and sister.

    Kids are perfectly reasonable, it’s just that they have such limited experience that their premises are incomplete or incorrect. Granted, this can be sometimes very annoying, but a child is as goal-directed as an adult – they have less context and fewer resources, however, upon which to make decisions.

    But they can sometimes be very cute. For example, my niece was offered a hash brown and she said she’d prefer a “hash pink”. Hilarious, not because it’s illogical but because we can easily understand *why* she has made the error. It’s a categorical error, because of missing context.

    Children are amazing pattern-matchers, it’s how they learn. And this can be fascinating to watch.

    The moment my first son was born, I fell in love with him. He’s likely an ESFJ, so quite different to me. But he’s so caring and responsible. Honestly, I think he knows what I’m feeling before I do. And he’s a great reader and a wonderful helper and I love him to bits. It’s sometimes difficult for me to give him all the affection he needs, but I really do try hard.

    My second son, the potential INTJ, is perfect. Even though he’s far from perfect. His language skills are amazing, he speaks in brilliantly precise and complex sentences and before the age of two, he was more articulate than his older brother. He’s very, very wilful and has a frightful temper, mostly when the world doesn’t meet his expectations. But he’s so creative and imaginative and intelligent. I love the way his little eyes light up when he’s excited about an idea.

    You’ll find there is plenty to intrigue you about children. You learn more about how humans operate and the physical and emotional aspects of having kids are probably good for us INTJs.

    I do think being a female INTJ can really be quite hard sometimes. But the parenting adventure is well worth taking.

  9. I am a ‘weak’ INTJ, meaning I am borderline with something else. I also have three young children. Before having my own, I worked briefly with children, ages 3-13. I found it very awkward interacting with them, and that’s something I’ve always been aware of.
    Deciding to have my own children, has made it much easier, albeit no walk-in-the-park. I love their creative and curious natures, but sometimes I struggle with the constant noise and movement! :)

  10. I’m an INTJ, I really love holding babies and playing with younger children. I like watching them when they are learning something new (something as simple as baking a cake or folding paper airplanes) and they get that “oh, I get it now” expression on their faces. I do relate to what you said about some introverts feeling more comfortable with kids then adults because kids aren’t as judgmental etc.
    All of that said, I think kids are getting brattier and brattier because parents these days either don’t have rules for their children or they simply don’t enforce them so there are more kids who have public temper-tamptrems and even at age 6 when they should have a grip on basic hygiene still need help going to the bathroom and need to be reminded to wash their hands.
    So my biggest problem is with adults who need to get it together, stop depending on day cares and public schools to raise their children, and freaking do their jobs as Mothers and Father and contributors to society.

    As for being a parent myself, since I don’t want to experience the joys of child birth, if I meet my Mr. right, we are so adopting. I’m good with any age.

  11. THANK YOU for writing this. I am a female, Christian INTJ, been married for 10 years and… gasp… we have no children yet (our choice, as of now)! I can sometimes feel like I am the “freak of nature” in most settings. What you wrote above so accurately describes my natural feelings towards kids. I do really like some specific children, whom I have gotten to know and interact with, but overall, kids and I do not mesh. When hearing how great motherhood is (from those trying to convince me to have children ASAP, so I too, can be like them), my logical side (so, most of me) can’t help but think that they HAVE to say these things, or totally crack under the pressure of the not so great aspects, just like anyone has to when handling their lot in life (work, school, relationships, etc.). I know that may sound horrible, and I am sure they do feel it is great (at times), but I guess it’s just something you have to experience to know. I have no grand illusions of how great motherhood will be, and I know it would be especially challenging at times to us INTJs, as we can’t control babies or make them see reason. However, I do think us INTJs could be exceptional mothers (we can be great at explaining the world, help young people develop critical thinking and use logic, etc.), just nothing like what our society deems the typical mother. I would love to hear more from INTJ mothers, about their experience. Until then, I can just know I am a freak in good company! :)

    1. Thank YOU! I’m always glad to hear that I’m not alone too! The part, “we can be great at explaining the world, help young people develop critical thinking and use logic,” is what one friend of mine tells me all the time when I say I’d be a terrible mother.

      “I have no grand illusions of how great motherhood will be, and I know it would be especially challenging at times to us INTJs, as we can’t control babies or make them see reason.” <– You just nailed it right there.

  12. You are a perfectly normal INTJ. I am one too. I feel the same way–perhaps a shade less intensely. But the irony is I have two little ones. In fact, I am their single father. This situation is not ideal, but I am learning how to care for them. And yes, it gets better as they get older. However, I think it perfectly reasonable that INTJ’s not have children. I love mine, but had I understood myself better in my twenties when I got married and they came along, I might not have had them.

    Release the guilt.

  13. A. Carroll Crowe April 15, 2014 — 9:28 pm

    I like kids a lot, but I don’t think most of them like me unless I start telling them stories. I enjoy trying to get them to think, and I also think they’re pretty funny. Adults are more self-conscious most of the time, so they don’t do as many goofy things. I can get tired of being around kids the same as being around adults, but, in general, I enjoy their company.

    I found out the hard way, though, that I don’t like high school kids enough to put up with the school system.

  14. If you manage to get past your fear of commitment and reproduce, you will be frustrated by your logicless child and by the people you are now forced to associate with- other parents and their witless brood.

    I cringe at all the socializing that is expected when you are a parent. In my estimation, being a parent is an open flood gate to countless uncomfortable obligations to people you would never otherwise speak to. School functions, kid sports, birthday parties, other nonsensical events, etc. I hope you love the minutiae of kids, because most parents have nothing else to relate to you with for every conversation. You will be expected to tell these parents (in detail) how awesome their little ball of insanity is.

    Even when you are not suffocated by other parents and their kids you still have your own family. Every ill-conceived holiday is a painful exercise as it is, now you will have to put a lot more effort into it because of your family obligations. You life affirming connection into your still inner world where you recharge and connect with truth will be threatened by this new energy draining time suck. Don’t forget that your goals and dreams must be put on hold indefinitely. Is it really worth it?

    You would do well with a cat.

    I’m an INTJ and I love my vasectomy.

    1. Well, I’m allergic to cats and dogs, so I guess I’m doomed to complete solitude for ever and ever.

  15. Solitude won’t last forever. If you don’t mind not getting much done in the real world, I hear World of Warcraft has some fine virtual pets. However if you hunger for the real thing, a colony of well behaved ants might be fun for you.

    I enjoy pets as much as I can, but at times they have a knack for keeping me from my work. Much like kids, pets have incessant demands for food, water and attention. I now see pets as another obligation which I must factor into any plans for travel. Too many responsiblility can be a burden.

    Don’t bother with pets, get a good book instead.

    As far as solitude goes, if you are looking for someone special to spend your life with make sure you both understand what is needed from each other. You are not crazy if you make a list of these things- faith, children (or not), alone time, etc.

    Good luck

  16. So here’s another INTJ opinion of kids. I have recently worked at a prestigious tutoring center for children in 1st to 12th grade. We mostly get the elementary school kids.
    What I have learned is that every child is a genius. Yes, they have a tendency to be illogical and adorably try to outwit me in a conflict, but every kid I have encountered at the tutoring center has incredible ability to learn and adapt and conjure new ways of looking at the world.

    However, there are reasons that I have left the job. The parents are one of them. I believe that there is a lot of accuracy in the saying that children are a reflection of their parents, and a lot of the parents seem to want to force standardized testing (another reason I’m leaving, it’s all about the standardized tests) down their kid’s throat until they come out a lawyer or a doctor.

    I agree with what you said, “I feel about kids the way I feel about people in general: keep them at a distance until I get to know them on an individual level.” The problem is, when you working with these kids, and get to know them individually, you get invested into them. Because of this, there is a high tendency to want to take these children under your wing and show them that they can say no to their parents and do what suits them best. Too bad that I work for the parent’s, eh? This is another reason for why I’m leaving, I want to change things but I’m in a position that I can’t.

    Anyway, I’m not sure if that gave you any more insight to children, but I thought I should share it.

    1. Thank you, I’m glad that you did!

  17. I am a pretty strong INTJ mother of 4. This is something I absolutely never planned for myself, but it has proven to be what has helped me develop the weaker sides of my personality and become a more rounded person. I am challenged with learning to deal with the chaos and people not doing things “my way” all of the time. On the plus side, us INTJ’s have the organizational skills that it takes to make a large family run efficiently. I can usually tell when something is “off” and hopefully stop many problems before they get worse. And, I must say, I have really great kids- one of whom is an INTJ himself. Nobody gets him but me- and not even I do all of the time. As a matter of fact, I ran across this thread while looking for more information on the “INTJ child”. Of course, I have insisted that my family members take the test and have been analyzing them. I have already concluded that my husband was not at all honest with himself on his test and I’m not sure my son took his seriously either. Interestingly, I had the best time with my kids when they were in the 2-8 year old stages. When they hung on my every word and were interested in my thoughts. My “weirdness” did not matter to them and they understood my humor. And in the 9-12 year old stage we had a lot of very deep conversations individually. It’s a little harder now that most of them are teens but it still happens on occasion.

    The funny thing is I didn’t want children so much that when I got pregnant with my first (not planned), I psyched myself up for it to be so horrible and I ended up being very suprised by my feelings for my baby. I had no idea that I would love him so much- I had been so busy dealing with the adjustment of my lifestyle that it never crossed my mind until the moment I saw him.

    It seemed as though I had a lot of patience most of the time with my little ones, but now that they are older (my youngest is 10), things have changed. I’m not too keen on being around kids again now. I wonder if other INTJ’s notice an ability to adapt to whatever situation life throws you- once we have figured out how we are going to deal with it….

    Also, I agree that other parents can be annoying. Unless you run across one that has some useful ideas, advice, or insight (or wants your advice)- then you end up having a very long conversation. And I also hate the school system. I would teach them myself if I had the time.

  18. Strong INTJ with three kids 3 and under. Hate kids, love my own. You will struggle, but just as we must trick our task orientation to not be assholes to everyine around us, we can let out personality flourish when we devot it to any task, I make my task Them, not a checklist of things to do. (Well i do both). i am very thankful my husband is a natural nurturer. We do non profit mission work, and in many ways it is like owning your own business, Sometimes i feel guilty that i gravitate towards multitasking the demands of family and ministry, while my husband would rather feed the kids and take care of them. I am getting over it. Kids are not as illogical when they are your own, in fact learning to love and nurture them is like a huge problem solving equation that will never end…exciting! As long as i am humble about my blind spots as an INTJ, i know God has a special reason he made me the way i am and given me children. (I do struggle with seeing other parents as inefficient and stupid, gotta check myself, but this would be true of any job).

  19. 100% Introversion INTJ father of 3 here; I had to double up on all the patience I could muster a couple of times over, but my life was empty before they came along, I just didn’t know it.

  20. My dad was an Intj. Luckily he did not have to ponder too long on that issue. Three month after he met my Intp mom she got pregnant (accident !) and legally there was no abortion possible in my country at that time. He turned out to be a great dad who taught me how to be sensible (I am an Infj) and critical of common beliefs. Actually he was extremely commited to family life and upheld a lot a tradition even so they did not make sense from a purely logical point. I think having an Intj parent works well for children. Just one more thought even I tend to be hesitant about dealing with children unless they are my own. However once you actually grasp you have your own child your hormones makes sure you will love it no matter what.

  21. I’m an INTJ and I actually love kids. I like them much, much more than any other stranger walking around. They have a unique way of looking at things, almost like the world isn’t really real to them. Not sure why, but I like that. Plus you don’t have to try and read their emotions. If the kid is screaming then the kid is mad. Nothing else to read into.

    1. Hahaha well that’s true enough.
      And yeah, everything is still new or new-ish to kids, especially youngest ones, so they definitely look at things differently.

    2. INTJ here – I feel similarly! I like seeing what kids do and imagining just how much socialization goes into kids to get them to become adults.

      It’s sort of like living in another culture. You get to question all your prejudices and assumptions. Basically, with kids I get to observe the system of the brain. Which is pretty effing cool.

      Also, kids come out with their own personalities.

  22. Jillianne Welker October 7, 2014 — 5:35 pm

    Hmmm. My 22 year old son said he tested as an intj, but if that’s the case, he’s at one end of the range and I’m at the absolute other.
    He tells me I’m his biggest advocate and supporter, making heroic efforts to diagnose his illness when others said it was all in his head. He credits me for providing an environment of learning and playfulness when he was young. I raised him and his duster with TV. We actually played together instead. I raised him with high morals, a hunger for knowledge, and burning need to think for himself. He was raised without ever being spanked, with respect for himself and others. With compassion and empathy and a great desire to help those in need. Pretty cool huh? Now for the flip side-

    He complains that I’m not sensitive enough in the way I communicate to him and others. He thinks I need to be more mindful of how my purely logical comments can be hurtful to others. He says it’s creepy that he talks and I listen without the usual uh huh’s and nods to indicate I’m still listening, though he knows I’m listening. He’s annoyed that he tells me something or states a fact and I don’t reply. He he thinks it’s weird that he will ask me a question when I’m in the middle of thinking about something else and I’ll answer him sometimes several minutes later once I’m don’t with whatever had me occupied. He marvels that I’m the first person to jump in and help someone in need. All these things he finds very hurtful.

    It seems to me that he’s telling me I’ve succeed monumentally on all the hardware aspects but fail miserable in the software. I’ve worked so hard to do the right thing and sacrificed for my kids all my life. My kids are so precious to me. My analysis is that I should never have had kids. I am obviously lacking some crucial human element. The idea that I’m hurtful to my kids at the same time being their rock of Gibraltar and biggest fan, is so confusing to me. I feel devastated…but wait, isn’t that a software problem!

  23. I like watching children and hearing their innocent ramblings. It does not bother me when they are illogical because I don’t expect anything more from them. I’m pretty good with children myself, but I most likely won’t have children. I am almost certain that I could not give the loving, happy care that a child deserves.

  24. I’m an INTJ and I agree with U on some points. I however love children because I can teach them and mold them. I have 2 myself. My 13yr old INTJ daughter who is the most intelligent amazing young woman ever born! We connect on a mental plane unlike anyone I have ever known. Probably because she thinks almost exactly like I do and understands me and vice a versa. Even when she is having rare teenage girl moments. We can talk for hours on end and she can debate passionately about things that are important to her. Plus being introverted and non emotion driven make her a perfect daughter. My son a 12 year old whos personality type I can not completely pin down *which is maddening* is an awesome kid too. He is intelligent and has a huge heart of gold. His emotions and needyness are hard at times but The fact he always strives for knowledge and itensly listens to me talk and asks questions make him the perfect son. He requires quite a bit more affection which helps me understand and embrace emotions as much as I can.
    Now as far as the other tyrant little brats in the world I can rarely stand em. I’m slightly germophobic with slight ocd and mild agoraphobia so I avoid most kids. I dont dislike them I just prefer they keep distant. But then again I prefer most human beings keep a distance from me. It could be an INTJ thing since we tend to keep people that arent deemed worthy at bay. That and we are far from emotions driven like the regulars. As far as feeling like an Asshole or a broken sociopath. I know exactly what U mean because I feel
    that way A lot. Probably because no matter how hard I try I can not be like them or think like them and they dont understand me or my blunt to the point logic. But anyway these are just my opinions. I do however have to tell U. Once U do have offspring U will love them and the love and emotional connection is scary and amazing at the same time!! Having an INTJ child is amazing especially once they gain knowledge and independance which happens faster then U think!

  25. My first son was/is a feeler. Emotions run strong with that one. It was a great introduction to mothering because he gave me permission to love him so deeply. INTJ emotions can run so deep but it is difficult to find someone worth of that deep love and affection. Kids are a great outlet for that. They are safe to share my heart with. It also allows me to perfect myself in such a way as to be a good example for them to follow. I get to mold them into respectful adults while, at the same time, learn to understand other people and learn how they process the world as well.
    I now have 3 children, all introverts (thankfully), and mothering is the most fulfilling role I have ever stepped into. It is physically and emotionally taxing and I dont get a lot of opportunities to recharge (my youngest is 14 months so still in a very needy phase) but it is more worthwhile than I would ever have guessed.
    That being said, I still dont really like children. Just my own. My 6 year old is an ISFJ, my 4 year is likely and INTP, and I believe my 14 month old is and ISTJ. All boys. I cant imagine what I woukd do with a daughter and all the emotional stuff that comes along with that lol!

    1. Whew, you have your hands full!

  26. I find children are annoying as babies and most kinds are annoying. Yes, I can find them cute, but actually interacting is no fun.

  27. coloradomarshal June 17, 2015 — 2:31 am

    I laughed so hard at this l was nearly in tears! I think l love you, fellow INTJ lol! I am in a similar state except l know for a fact, as l have since l was about 5, that l don’t want my own children. Occasionally one will come along that is bearable, but mostly l have daydreams about throwing them in traffic :-P l don’t feel like an asshole, as l would never actually do something so horrible (although admittedly that conclusion is drawn through the logical sequence of murder=legal fees, jail time, and/or death, which l would like to avoid); l do, however, have to be very wary of how OTHERS see me on this topic, as most of my mates are kid-lovers. I agree 100% with your reasoning for INTJ’s to be particularly incompatible with children, as these were the exact conclusions l had reached before stumbling across this blog.

    1.) INTJ’s like order. Kids are anti-order.
    2.) Is it just me, or are loud noises a problem?
    3.) Intelligent conversation vs “l just peed for 15 seconds straight!”…. do the math.
    4.) Aw, you have to choose chocolate ice cream because they’re out of vanilla? Suck it up, princess.
    5.) Tantrums.
    6.) Have you no sense of hygiene???

    Coincidentally l discovered this blog while conducting a google search entitled “INTJ’s and children”. As a woman it makes things that much harder to forgo kids due to societal pressures, but l figure l’ll survive the maelstrom of self-righteous intrusions. I’m already on people’s hit list for not drinking (don’t want to deal with the hangover), doing drugs (loss of control? Please), or engaging in the sex-oriented dating culture (seriously, guys, do you KNOW where that thing’s been???) so it’s not like l haven’t dealt with it before……………….

  28. I am an INTJ and a mother of two boys, 4.5 and 2.5 years. Prior to and even now I don’t like children, generally speaking. I love my children. I want to give them all the knowledge and freedom in the world. I like some of my friends’ children. However, overall, I am not a huge fan of children for many of the reasons you listed and more, to which I’ll get…

    But, obviously for some reason I decided to have children (I had a feeling and innate desire – weird, huh?) and I definitely do not regret it. I want more. (I don’t want to birth them though. Pregnancy and the baby stage are draining. Beautiful and full of wonder and intrigue but draining. I did it twice. That was enough. Now we’ll adopt children 1.5 years or older.)

    In true INTJ style I have studied everything that has to do with pregnancy, birth, babies, toddlers, preschoolers (though the studying has gotten less as I get more and more drained…). I’ve been unconventional and haven’t followed tradition. I’m also a therapist so I have a background in child development. And this has been a huge key for me. I have studied children enough, at least up to age 5, to understand the system behind them.

    I know that when my 2 year olds scream “no” it’s for identity differentiation. As an INTJ I celebrate that! The two’s are actually my favorite age that I’ve experienced yet. So, studying children and development has really helped. Also, developing a system for parenting has really helped. And, I am married to an ENFP. He makes life fun and warm and is eager to parent. That makes parenting easier.

    I’m excited to foster individuality in my boys and to raise them the way they are. In other words, to help them become who they were created to be and help them explore all their possibilities.

    But, the downside is I am so drained. I miss being able to concentrate on something for more than 2 minutes at a time. I miss being able to isolate for hours or even days on end. This little kid stage is hard. There are so many things I’d love to be able to teach them and so many projects I’d like to be able to do – but it’s not time yet. They’re not capable (again, the knowledge of child development helps here).

    I am working to enjoy the little moments and this stage in life, keeping in mind that it’s just a stage. There are many beautiful, fun, and hilarious moments but this will not be my favorite stage in parenting. I know I’ll be a great mom to teens. We’ll be able to reason together. I’ll let them think and argue points and will let them win if they create a good argument.

    I think if we INTJs can practice enough self-care (have time and space to work on projects and to think about the things we like to think about, have time alone, have conversation with stimulating adults, etc.) and can enjoy how we’re made we can be fantastic parents. If we’re intentional and see our children as something worthy of investment (which I think comes naturally to us) then they will be given an amount of freedom and support that other parents may not afford.

  29. I am an INTJ mom. Here is the beauty of it…INTJ moms are so happy for each milestone as their children mature into adults, while other moms are crying over “that very last diaper, ever…wahhhh” This is truly a blessing since although I miss my kids (since I don’t have a lot of friends) I enjoy them a LOT MORE the older they get. I think that is much healthier, and it is more reasonable, especially since kids do grow up. You will love your own children, and you will create amazing adults that you are actually proud to call your equals. They won’t live in your basement. Don’t feel bad. I am an expert at avoiding nursery duty by volunteering for something else that all the other women think is “hard.”
    You will have some struggles. It is hard to be cuddly, because I am not that person. But I simply show my love in other ways, and I am way more fun than other moms. I have always treated my kids like equals and like adults and they did mature a lot faster than their peers. This was a bit of a problem because then they started getting annoyed by same age peers who were too juvenile for them to tolerate.
    Don’t worry, you will do a great job, and you will be a great, if somewhat non-traditional parent.

  30. Hi I’m an INTJ and I have four children, even though I was never, and am still not, the type to pick up other people’s babies. I especially enjoy my children once they start communicating and expressing themselves. However, after being a SAHM for a number of years, which I found quite challenging, I am looking forward to pursuing further academic pursuits now that the littlest one is approaching preschool. It is funny how my oldest daughter, an INFP, is so much better as housewifey stuff than me, and often picks up the slack.

  31. Hi, I am an INTJ and mom to 3 daughters. When I was a kid I didn’t like babies but when I was 11 my brother and SIL had a baby. I quickly fell in love with the baby and my SIL taught me how to take care of him. This changed my feelings about kids and eased the akwardness I used to experience around kids in general. So, when I got married at age 21 I wanted kids. I had a desire to teach and mold a child to become the best he or she could be, especially because I felt my own dysfunctional parents failed miserably with my brothers and me.
    When I felled pregnant with my oldest, I did a lot of research on how to raise children. I figured taking another person’s entire education into your own hands requires knowing what you are doing. It is a huge responsibility and a serious calling.
    Strangely I still felt akward interacting with kids who were older than mine and of which age group I consequently had no experience with, but that also subsided as they grew older and my experience expanded.
    Since I learned during my research that kids need emotional care and bonding, I purposefully engaged regular conversations with them on even small talk, realizing small things you do for them ain’t so small after all, due to the pleasant childhood memories they create.
    I also hugged them often and ensured them that I loved them.
    I tried my best to teach them as much as possible and raised them to be leaders. They became achievers at school and made us proud.
    Today, they’re grown, and they are well balanced, happy, hardworking kids every parent can be proud of.
    They often tell me I’m a good mom, but the best compliment I received the other day was when my oldest told me about her friend who’s mom was cold towards him over the phone, and then my daughter said: “Poor X, to have such a heartless mom. Glad I have you as my mom, ’cause when I hear your voice, it sounds warm and reassuring.”
    So, I can say we INTJ’s can be good parents.Em, believe me, when you hear that first cry, everything changes. It is just somehow different when you look at that baby and realize you are now responsible for another human being. You don’t only see the baby, you see the emerging adult who has to fill her place in this world one day. You see the people she will influence, the future son in law she might marry and the grandchildren she will one day have to raise. Then again you see the helpless baby and you know you want to be there to show her the way

  32. I’m not an INTJ – in fact I am a very child loving isfp. I understand completely where you are coming from, actually. I work in daycare but back when I was offered the job, stalled and stalled about it until I realized it was the only income opportunity I was going to get. I didnt want to work with little kids again, and mostly for the reason you mentioned – you don’t want the relationship. I do love kids and I can easily connect with them, but only after I get to know them.
    I don’t think there is anything wrong with disliking children. It’s the people who acrually offensively attack and abuse them that are wrong. Like you said, there are some children you like because you know them. That’s pretty normal, and totally acceptable. As the MBTI shows, we all have different abilities and desires. I believe that if you ever have a kid, you will give your life for him/her, because you will (or at least you should) have some sort of relationship. Also, if it helps any, remember that you were once as illogical and irrational as any other child. Maturity comes with rime and proper training. I hope I was able to help you out.

  33. I’m an INTJ and a mother of two. I’ve always had a feeling I was different and needed to coax myself in developing my emotional side so as to not become a robot (before I knew I was an INTJ)…So I new in order to become a more balanced person I needed that softer side to develop, so I had children. I wish I had known prior that I was an INTJ and I could of focused more on acknowledging my natural shortcomings and not doubted my ability as a “good” mother. I found that newborns are boring, they smell so good and are soft but boring. They didn’t do much except poop, eat and sleep and I was a stay at home mom. Needless to say I was constantly waiting for a milestone, reading, and hoping the baby would stay awake long enough for me to talk to her. Like the other INTJ’s on here I was never the mom who was sad they were no longer “babies” (I miss their cuteness, like puppies) but I was always more excited to what new level of human capacity they were on to next. My first child is a female ESFP…. :O I know! She feels everything, wants to do this, no wait that, no wait, what was I doing” She lacks follow through and has a change of heart about everything depending on her mood. She changed clothes like 5 times a day in her toddler years (drove me nuts), loves physical touch and affection. She has pushed me the most and as a result I can cry and coordinate girl sleepovers (paper bag…breathing). I do tell her that when I do these things for her it takes a lot out of me and then the next day I need peace and quiet but she is now 12 and logic for pre-pubescent girls is not their forte. Thankfully I come from a large Mexican family and their are plenty of cousins for her to go sleepover on weekends and get her social fill and I get my alone time. As for my other child my 10 year old son is an ISTJ often my siblings told me he was my favorite and I couldn’t have favorites but it wasn’t that, we just get each other. I do love my children equally, my daughter has taught me the most about the things I lack and has made me stretch myself beyond what I would be comfortable. My son on the other hand I can’t wait for him to be an adult, I feel like if he wasn’t my son he would be my friend…coming from an INTJ you know that means A LOT. His mind works similar to mine, he enjoys reading quietly like me. I could take him to a coffee shop and while I work he will read quietly (we could spend hours like this), my daughter would be telling me she is bored and asking when are we leaving. Now I understand we are just different me and her and I try to stretch myself to meet her needs. I consciously make an effort to hug more and longer (I say that to myself when I embrace her, “hold on longer, caress and kiss her more) I am more patient with her when “she doesn’t get over feelings quickly” or I keep at it asking about her feelings so she knows I’m interested and she can express herself, I also inquire about 6th grade girl drama (cringe) but I ask many questions in order to satisfy her need for talking about it and feeling herd. It has been a crazy ride so far, I feel like thanks to them I’m better socially too. If your child is dying to play with another kid on the playground but they are too shy you teach them (and yourself) how to “make small talk” and meet people. This has helped my professional career (doubly efficient). The great thing about INTJ is we can teach ourselves anything and are always wanting to be better or the best in our lives. So I want to be the best mother and in order to do so I had to do things that result in good mothering. Of course the biggest things that attracts me to motherhood is the idea that I would have a part in developing a human being that will be walking around the earth amongst you and She/he will be my greatest lifework come to life. Living breathing thoughts and ideas of how it should be… :)

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