Just shy of two months from now, I leave Columbus for my indefinite travels.
I really am excited. And when I tell other people about it, they (usually) get excited for me, and that refreshes my own excitement.
However, it does mean that a chapter of my life’s book is drawing to a close, and I’ve been reviewing the CliffsNotes summary.
One word that keeps coming up is “disappointed.”
My time in Columbus hasn’t turned out like I expected. I moved here mainly to be closer to family and work on my book. Then my book was finished, and it’s kind of just…there. My relationship with my parents is…well, let’s just say we’re not any closer than before.
I’d actually hoped I would get involved in a tight-knit church community and make a ton of new friends and host dinner parties and maybe lead a Bible study or otherwise find a way to make myself useful in the church. I thought this would be where I’d meet “someone” and get married and “settle down” and finally feel like functional grown-up.
Instead, it seems I folded up into myself more than ever. All that mainly happened is that I got so tired. And maybe a little bitter.
Now I’m packing up and paring down and getting ready to uproot myself because once again I find myself without a place in the world or without a space in peoples’ lives. Everyone has their families, their spouses, their kids, their siblings, and I’m just sort of…floating along, as always.
I’m glad I left DC, and I suppose there was a reason that God did nudge me toward Columbus, but this place has worn me out. I’ve been more lonely here than I have been in a good long while, and certainly more than I ever experienced in my adult life.
Part of the reason I’m disappointed is because I probably could have done more, got involved in more activities, reached out to more people more often. Maybe I could have left town with less of a feeling of failure, and more like I had a bigger impact–or any impact at all. Just thinking about it, though, makes me feel frustrated and exhausted.
It doesn’t mean that nothing happened in the three years I’ve been here. Most of those things have been internal, and are difficult to explain. Regular readers of this blog might be able to identify a few–learning about my Myers-Briggs type and falling ridiculously in love with CS Lewis and finally pinning down some of the issues I had with my former church, to name examples. I learned more about my faith and myself, and deepened some existing relationships. I think I grew intellectually and I certainly found some new obsessions interests.
It’s not that I’m not glad I had those experiences–I am. They just weren’t what I had in mind when I decided to move back to my home state. And they’ve made me a bit wary of having expectations about whatever comes next.
I’m sure my next, as-yet-unwritten chapter will make for interesting reading. I just haven’t quite recovered from the plot twist in this one.
Emily Jacobs: Freelance Writer 
Em, years ago we moved home to be closer to family. Like you it didn’t work out the way we thought. And the same thing holds true with my church life. Not bad just different. Part of it I am sure is my introversion and other character quirks. I have made peace with it.
Now, I am going to be a mother hen. Please be careful and post frequently if you can. Also if you head towards Canada or British Columbia. (know it’s a long ways from Columbus) you could visit. I promise me and mine are not creepers.
As you journey I will be thinking about and praying for you.
Thank you, Shannon. I do appreciate your prayers and your concerns, and I am *absolutely* going to be cautious! It means a lot that people will keep reading my blog and be praying for me. I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t nervous about the trip myself. I do plan to write updates whenever I can (or post pictures, at the very least)!
I will be in Seattle late in June, and I was pondering the possibility of skipping up to Vancouver, since I’ve never been, before I circle back east.
Vancouver is worth the trip. Beautiful city. Stanley park, Granville island market, great sushi and art galleries just to mention some of my favs.
Good, and honest (INTJ-approved) post! ;) I am newer to your blog, but wanted to say that I will be praying for you as you begin next chapter, wherever it leads. If you ever find yourself near Chicago or Milwaukee, I live in between these cities and you are welcome to crash in our spare room (my husband and I are young-ish, and not weirdos, I promise!), or we can just finally grab that cup of tea (and geek-out, talking about favs!). I actually moved up here, from my native Florida, because the church body here is so great!
Good luck, Em. There is something exciting about being on the cusp of a new chapter, even though its unknown contents can be scary. Keep blogging, please! :)
I will be in Milwaukee in July! A friend of mine from high school moved there this year and I plan to stay with her for a few weeks before going on to Chicago. We definitely should meet up sometime then!
Thank you thank you for the prayers. And the blogging will definitely continue!
Nice! That’s the best month to be in Milwaukee (though I don’t like big crowds, like most INTJs, so I avoid Summerfest, the HUGE musical festival held during late June/early July)! I live in Kenosha, which is 30 minutes south of Milwaukee, and has the end/beginning of the Metra line that runs to Chicago. Let’s pencil it in to meet up! I already can’t wait for the warmer weather… :)