~ Andy Dwyer, Parks and Recreation
In a recent post, I said that I was afraid to talk about how well things were going because I was superstitious and afraid that would jinx it.
Turns out, I was right.
I don’t know what happened. It wasn’t one event–in fact, it hasn’t really been any event at all. But things have been so, so awful lately. I have been so deeply, ridiculously, devastatingly lonely here, so much more than I ever expected. Even for me, meeting people is harder than I expected it to be. It’s too damn cold to do anything. I haven’t been sleeping well or eating as much and I swear I’m dehydrated from all the crying. Even here, I don’t belong. I’m afraid that my life is just going to be this endless cycle of moving, trying to establish myself somewhere, making temporary friendships, and then moving on to do it all over again. If that is what the rest of my life is supposed to be, then I don’t want it.
I don’t have a place, I don’t have a niche, and I don’t know what to do. I want a place to belong and people to talk to and to love, but it’s so difficult and it takes so much time, and in the meanwhile, I am suffering. I’m trying to find a church group, but I don’t fit anywhere. I’m so exhausted in every possible way, I don’t have the strength for anything anymore.
Turn to me and be gracious to me,
For I am lonely and afflicted.
The troubles of my heart are enlarged;
Bring me out of my distresses.
Look upon my affliction and my trouble,
And forgive all my sins.
Look upon my enemies, for they are many,
And they hate me with violent hatred.
Guard my soul and deliver me;
Do not let me be ashamed, for I take refuge in You.
Let integrity and uprightness preserve me,
For I wait for You.
~Psalm 25: 16-21