~ Andy Dwyer, Parks and Recreation
In a recent post, I said that I was afraid to talk about how well things were going because I was superstitious and afraid that would jinx it.
Turns out, I was right.
I don’t know what happened. It wasn’t one event–in fact, it hasn’t really been any event at all. But things have been so, so awful lately. I have been so deeply, ridiculously, devastatingly lonely here, so much more than I ever expected. Even for me, meeting people is harder than I expected it to be. It’s too damn cold to do anything. I haven’t been sleeping well or eating as much and I swear I’m dehydrated from all the crying. Even here, I don’t belong. I’m afraid that my life is just going to be this endless cycle of moving, trying to establish myself somewhere, making temporary friendships, and then moving on to do it all over again. If that is what the rest of my life is supposed to be, then I don’t want it.
I don’t have a place, I don’t have a niche, and I don’t know what to do. I want a place to belong and people to talk to and to love, but it’s so difficult and it takes so much time, and in the meanwhile, I am suffering. I’m trying to find a church group, but I don’t fit anywhere. I’m so exhausted in every possible way, I don’t have the strength for anything anymore.
Turn to me and be gracious to me,
For I am lonely and afflicted.
The troubles of my heart are enlarged;
Bring me out of my distresses.
Look upon my affliction and my trouble,
And forgive all my sins.
Look upon my enemies, for they are many,
And they hate me with violent hatred.
Guard my soul and deliver me;
Do not let me be ashamed, for I take refuge in You.
Let integrity and uprightness preserve me,
For I wait for You.
~Psalm 25: 16-21
Emily Jacobs: Freelance Writer 
In my younger days I sometimes used to wonder if I would ever own a home or do anything really worth while with my life. I couldn’t imagine any path that would take me from where I was to where I hoped to be. I made some small changes and kept pressing forward until things started coming together. I wish I could go to the past and tell myself how great he is doing today so he would have worried less. Some of us just bloom later than others. Don’t lose hope the best times of your life are likely still to come.
You know, I still have those days. I’m married (8 or 9 years now), four kids, a house, starting up my own business, and yet those days come. I had one yesterday. I don’t really have any advice for you, just empathy. I did find a scripture that I find helpful, of course I can’t remember where it is. It’s when Paul said that to die was gain and to live was Christ. It occurred to me when I saw that verse that I don’t have to be happy. He’s not asking that of me. He’s asking me to keep on trudging, keep on swimming. He knows it can be awful-He said I’d have trials and tribulations-and yet He asked me to keep on living. Totally took the pressure off for me. I don’t know if that helps or if it’s too morose but there you are. And I also have an incredibly hard time adjusting. Each time I’ve relocated it’s taken me five years or so to find friends. Each time I go through a sort of depression. So it’s normal for an INTJ? (That’s what I am.) If you want to email me to swap commiseration go right ahead. We moved last year and I have no local friends yet (although my husband does so we’re not completely bereft). So yeah. That’s all I have.
I felt like this much of last year but I am slowly sliding out of it now. I believe this depression is your minds way of telling you that you are not on the right path – or need to find a new path. I believe with me it was caused by two things A – Poverty which was brought on by B – Not knowing what to do with my life). I know I was a film maker/artist but had not established my own style, I have been looking back at some of my old work and watching/reading works by people I admire. I found that my recent work which was rubbish – was rubbish because I was trying to make what I thought people wanted by copying popular styles. Now that I have started to create in my own way again, I feel happier inside, like I am moving towards the right path again. I have been following your blog this past year, I have just started blogging about all this and that – http://wp.me/p5mQyW-F .
I’m fairly certain you don’t like me, and so I know these words are probably unwelcome, but in case I am wrong, here’s tuppence-worth.
I’m an introvert, I struggle with many of the same issues you do, and I have the same wariness of speaking about good times and things because, like you, I’m all to familiar with the brutal cycles that come with life. I also suffer from a hereditary chemical imbalance that makes me very vulnerable to depression.
That’s where I’m coming from, and why I’m going to caution against being too certain that external circumstances are to blame. Maybe they are, or maybe they’re part of it, but it’s at least as possible that you are dealing with something far more elusive and no less concrete in its effects. If depression is part of the equation, acknowledging its presence and recognizing the effect it has on perception and motivation can be a big step in overcoming it.
I’m not suggesting any particular course of action… just begging the question in case it opens up a new avenue of facing down these demons.
I probably shouldn’t say anything at all, because I probably don’t have anything useful to say. It’s really not part of my nature to yearn for a group of people to belong with, thankfully, since I don’t have one, and never have had one. I’ve never fit in with any particular group. I’m just me. Thankfully I’ve always had my mother who loves me, and I’ve always had one other real-life friend to share experiences with, and also the last 16 years, an online best friend to talk and share with. That’s enough for me.
But aside from that, now that I have to work so hard to support myself, I have very little energy left over for anything else, and I start to wonder if my life has a purpose, aside from just trying to survive. Maybe it doesn’t. Maybe that is the purpose of this particular lifetime, to just keep putting one foot in front of the other and get through it, and hopefully with some grace and as a somewhat positive example of a human being. When I was a youngster I thought I would have a special unique contribution to make in life, but at this point, maybe that special unique contribution is that I don’t use foul language and people flock around me to witness something they’ve never seen before – earlobes in their natural state.
Em, as usual I am on your side and praying for you. I wish I lived closer so we could socialize in an introverted way–make plans, cancel 80% of the time.
Shannon
Thank you, Shannon!
Yeah, I completely know what you are saying.
The fleeting happiness in no way justifies the cost. Sometimes it seems better to be permanently neutral, that alternately happy and sad.